My conscience is clear, but that doesn't make me innocent

January 11, 2011

1:21 am

All throughout my teenage life, it has been the two of us. We liked the same things, we ate the same food, we read each other's minds... We were best friends walking hand in hand through everything thrown at us because together, we were invincible. You were a big part of my life, and a huge influence that shaped me to be the person I am today.

Then we grew up. 

We both made mistakes, and while it's true we've forgiven each other, we can't deny that we fell apart. Our friendship had gone haywire, destroying all emotional and mental connections between us. A little part of me still thinks this is not the way things were supposed to be. After all, we were best friends. When I look at us now, I see two very different people who might still share the same interests, but something just isn't right anymore. And sometimes, it still hurts -- I was passive and made things between us the way they are now. 

Today, I've presented you with the unforgivable. I can't even begin to imagine how you must be feeling. I don't know what's worse -- that I did what I did for my own sake without thinking of the consequences, or me telling you straight to your face and punching you in the gut with my words when I told you the truth. I didn't tell you everything for my own satisfaction; after all, I wasn't after revenge. I told you everything because despite whatever happens after this, I know I've given you what you deserve -- the whole truth.

True, my actions and decisions are unexplainable, but I'd rather lose my friendship with you than keep it and lie to your face. While it's also true that I'm not good with confrontations, I'd rather you hear it from me than from anyone else because I know I owed you at least the decency to tell you on my own. I readied myself for this -- the consequence that I might lose you forever, but it was something that I was willing to take. And please know that from the bottom of my heart, I hope that someday you find it in yours to forgive me.

I've told you everything there is to know and I assure you that I will do no more. I don't usually do the right things all the time, but I'm a fast learner -- I make mistakes and I learn from them. I've done you wrong and I accept that. I can't even begin to tell you how sorry I am for hurting you. We may not be the same little girls we used to be, but I look at you no less than before. I've loved you and I love you still, and I always will -- and maybe that's why I was willing to risk it all in the first place.