18 January 2011

Imagination is the best way you can say 'fuck you' to reality

Everyone goes through a phase in their lives where they just wanna let loose and let go. It's usually during teenage years, where every kid wants to be badass. It starts at thirteen, just after entering high school, when you start to blast ultra-mega-super rock music in your stereo (well it was still stereo for me, but nowadays, maybe just earphones) and lock yourself up in your room to shut the world out. Kids start being embarrassed to be seen around malls holding hands with their moms and dads, and pushing their younger siblings around just because they have the upper hand. Then you become fourteen and the opposite sex suddenly becomes more attractive. You give your whole self up for the childhood sweetheart that you swear you'd spend the rest of your life with. You daydream in class, doodle your crush's name at the back of your notebook and practice your signature with their last name. Then he breaks your heart and you cut your wrists up, embedding his name in scars and wounds. You think it's all worth it. Then you become fifteen and you just wanna start going out. Going to clubs and bars and parties and being either passed out drunk or puking is the in thing. You rebel against curfews because you wanna be having night outs with your friends. Then you become a senior, and your school forces you to choose the course you'd take up in college which will make or break your future.

Then you grow up. Or actually, you're forced to grow up. You get into college and meet all sorts of people and try to find your sweet spot and fit right in. It's actually quite easy though cause no one really cares if you walk through the hallways alone, stressed and sweating trying not to be late for your next class which is all the way to the other side of the campus. Personally, I hate first days the most. Especially if you have a professor that makes you stand in front of the class to introduce yourself. You don't know what to say, because really, you don't know who you are -- or what defines you for that matter.

They say that high school is the one thing in your life that you're never going to forget. Maybe it's because it's where you actually leave your mark in the eyes of people you've known for years. But I say it's because it's the only phase in your life when you can do the most stupid things and have people talk about you for a while, but you feel like you don't really care. In the end, high school gives you and your friends nothing more but something to laugh about in the future.

When I was in high school, I was known for being the girl who slept around a lot, who got herself pregnant and had her baby aborted. It surprises me that these things surrounded me because really, none of them were true. I had three boyfriends in high school: one I never got to kiss, the other who was my "first love", and the last is my boyfriend until now. I had a steady love life back then, and I never got myself pregnant, let alone have an abortion. Also, I was known for the bitch you never dared to cross. They say I've got a strong personality and composure that intimidates people who meet me for the first time. Well, I'm not going to say that I'm soft-spoken and really friendly but like my friend said, it's amazing how common knowledge could be so wrong.
I never got to go out on clubs and bars during my younger years because I had very strict parents. I was born into a family with rules that makes you scream for rebellion. Because of that, I'm forced to say that I never really had a good time growing up. True, I experienced things that not everyone has. I've traveled to New York, Florida, California, Malaysia, Singapore and Hong Kong. I've even had the chance to see the wonderful islands of Boracay, Palawan, Cebu, Bicol and Davao. I've been more than privileged and for that, I'm thankful. But sometimes, I just can't help but feel like I've missed out on a lot. I'm on to the last year of my teenage life, but I haven't done anything crazy-ass wild that will be worth sharing to my future kids and grandkids. 

Sometimes, I need to find the lust in my life. The adrenaline rush of knowing that life is not forever and that I'm not committed to anything. Point is, I'm turing twenty. Twenty sounds old and mature for teens like me. I still haven't made enough crazy mistakes in my life. I don't want to be forced to grow up just yet. I'm just not ready. :-)

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