Day 25: Photo of you when you were anything but happy

This photo was taken during my 19th birthday and I was supposed to be happy but I actually wasn't happy for the whole day. Something devastating (and very personal) happened this day and it's something I will never forget!

In a world of simple things, you are my complexity

So there's this boy. He played my mind and he broke my heart. This is supposed to be the part when it's all over.

But there's this other boy. He's been consistently in my world, but I never really gave him much attention since the early part of this year. He liked me, I didn't like him. Then I liked him, but he didn't like me. We're sort of okay now, but it's just really complicated between us that I don't even know where to start when I want to begin explaining what's going on. It's like, we both know there's a thing, but it's inexistent.

Do you get it?
I don't get it either.

I know it's there though. And I'd call him a moron if he said that it weren't. There's a fine, fine line between us being friends and being lovers that neither of us dared to cross. I don't think it's gonna happen anytime soon, and I'm okay with that really. I'm writing about him tonight because what really bothers me is the complexity of our thing. 

There are moments that he'd seem extra sweet, extra concerned, extra touchy. It lasts for a while until someone notices. And then, he backs out. I used to think that maybe it was only me who felt this, but my other friends started to notice too. I'd cite so many experiences when these have happened, but then it would take me forever.

One of the most irritating things about him is that when our friends start to talk to him about me, he'd come up with so many irrelevant reasons not to date me. He'd act as if something was undeniably wrong with me. These reasons... To me, they're nonsense. I genuinely believe he's just scared cause we're friends. I know he's not up for commitment, but neither am I. Or maybe he hasn't admitted this to himself yet.

It really isn't a big thing though. I'm just really, really weirded out.
But baby, you can't fool me. I can see through your sheer curtain of concealment.


So anyway! I've been talking too much about the boys in my life. I don't want to get me started again, cause there's really a lot to say. Don't get me wrong though, I'm in no hurry. I haven't been single in about five to six years, so this is the phase where I'm starting to live out my life without being dependent on anyone. It doesn't feel good all the time, especially when I've got absolutely nothing to do or nowhere to go. It sometimes sucks that I don't have a default person to go to. But I'm okay like this. In fact, I'm great like this. (insert smiley face here)

What's really keeping me busy right now is my school work. I hate this term and I can't wait for the Christmas break. I'm bound to fail calculus and financial management, so I have so many sleepless nights studying. I hate that no matter what I do, math doesn't love me back. I mean, I'm thrilled that I passed my last calculus exam, but it's not enough. I have to do better, and I will do better. Marketing's being such a bitch. I'm having a hard time reaching my quota of Php 35,000 and my group mates and I haven't closed our professor yet. You see, we're supposed to sell him a product for our midterm exam, but we chose the wrong product and he didn't buy it. So we're supposed to do a follow-up next week. Theology's been nothing but boring the entire term. Economics... well, it's economics. I'm so glad I have a good professor for this subject, so it hasn't been a drag attending her classes but we have this paper that I need to revise and submit to get a better grade.

And I mean, I could rant all night cause I have all the time in the world. I'm not supposed to do anything. But I'll save you all the trouble. I'm stopping now, and I'm shutting my system off. Ciao.

BoysLikeGirls

In case you haven't heard..

I used to be love drunk
But now I'm hung over
I love you forever
Forever is over
We used to kiss all night
Now it's just a bar fight
So don't call me crying
Say hello to goodbye


I'm okay now. I believe this is heaven to no one else but me.

I'll hate myself in the morning for this

It's the second night I'm talking to myself about you. My mind just won't stop running in circles, thinking about the time you made me happy. I mean, you've got to admit it yourself, we did have some happy memories together. Unexpected, but happy. I don't exactly like the fact that I wasn't able to tell you the way I feel about you. I think it was because we've always felt unsure of each other. But to tell you frankly, I felt it. I was able to feel the way you really feel about me; it doesn't matter if you deny it. We both know it. It hurt so bad that you didn't have the balls to man up to your emotions. My best friend says I should've seen this coming, knowing you. But I guess it's something that only I could understand. You even, wouldn't understand. Not even if you tried. There's just so much more for you to learn, so much more that you have to experience, so much more that you have to feel. I just hope you get to do all of that before you run out of time. You know what they say.. The world wouldn't stop spinning for you.

The thing I hate about not being able to sleep at night is that it gives me the time to think about you. It already sucks balls that I think of you at random times during the day, but it's worse that you corrupt my mind at night. It makes me feel vulnerable. I hate that I'm over thinking something that's already inexistent. I just want to rest from all of this, from you. I don't want my world to revolve around the idea of you. I'm not usually like this, and that's why I hate feeling like this. Just give me time to gather myself up, and I'll be on my way in no time.

I miss you quite terribly

I'm so proud of myself. I haven't talked to you in days. I admit, I've been thinking about you a lot, but not as much as I used to. I guess it's safe to say that I thought wrongly about you. Don't get me wrong, you did make me happy, in more ways than one. I used to think that after everything I've been through, you were the good in all the bad. I wasn't entirely wrong though. This is the part that I hate - when I have passed all the four stages and I'm left with the hardest one. I've thought a lot about this and I finally admitted to myself that I loved you. I can't say I really fell in love with you, but I believe that at some point, that was what I felt. I can't say it was all your fault too, I was vulnerable but you didn't take advantage of it. Instead, you made me feel like I needed you, like I wanted to be with you.

This entry's filled with all the emotions that's left in me. All the parts of me that still have your name and face written all over them. I've written about you so openly today because this is the day that I want to let go all of you. Two months worth of ups and downs are flushed down the drain, and I'm not looking back anymore. I keep moving forward.

Even though I miss you quite terribly, I wish there was some way to let you know that I'm actually more than okay. I miss you. Or at least, I used to.

Transparency

Today, I start a series of black and white.

In your lifetime, you get to meet a number of people you like, the people you manage to be with, and the people you can't seem to be with. I think the people you can't seem to be with play the crucial role in your life. They're the ones you can't seem to get off your head, they're running around in circles. They're the ones you dream about, and they're the ones you think about when you wake up. It gets tiring at some point, and you'll have to realize that at some time, you will have to let go of the idea of being with them. Not that it's never going to happen, but you should accept the fact that it's not gonna happen right now.

The most difficult thing is when you're also his can't seem to be with person. It's not that you haven't tried to work it out, because you have. You tried things that are possible at this point, but it's just not happening. It's like, the more you try, the more you're being pulled apart. And again, at some point, you just have to face it.

I think I'm in that point in my life. You know, facing it. I'm not gonna play my strong-girl-not-going-to-be-affected card here, because he knows how much I like him. I don't know if it's a mistake, letting him know. I also don't know if it's a mistake, letting him go. But today, I have decided to leave a mini-chapter in my life. I certainly hope it's not gonna be the last time I open it, but I want to stop thinking about it for now. I want to let go and be happy, and that's exactly what I'm gonna do.

Today, I start to miss you. In fact, I miss you already.