La Fille du Papa

You know the feeling when you finally find a relationship you'd fight so hard to keep?
A relationship that's worth every heartbreak?

One mistake and it vanishes in an instant.
You don't even have time to think.
The relationship you fought so hard to build just went crumbling down the ground.
And it was all your fault.
How would you feel?

Whatever feeling you must be thinking..
I'm sure I'm feeling even worse than that.

I'm sorry.
I love you.

Actually, the trick here is to never let the loneliness kick in

When you've been in a relationship for a long time, you build your safety net with that person that maybe (or rather, hopefully) nobody else can penetrate. I've come to realize that only the two persons involved have the capability to destroy this net, little by little, in the form of little white lies, big lies, infidelities, unfaithfulness, and whatnot. I've also come to realize that while you're burning little holes in this net, it's not easy to sew it together again.

I have been alone for a couple of months now. And when I was not busy with school, or when my best friend was out for the night, or when I didn't have my own night outs, it became lonely in my bed. It was difficult not having someone to send good morning and good night messages to, or not having someone to update about little things that happened during the day- it was difficult not having an automatic friend you can always talk to.

As the days got by, I could say I got better. Lesser and lesser were the nights when I cried. Everything sinked in eventually. And while I'm still alone at the moment, I'm not lonely anymore.

Day 28: Photo of you with someone you love

I lagged in posting this entry because I cannot think of one single person that I love most in this world. My heart is too big for everyone :-)

The perpetual photo. You saw this coming! The thing I love most about my boyfriend is the fact that he's also my best friend. I am most comfortable with him. He knows me inside and out. When we're not fighting we are very happy haha. Today we stayed together all day and just talked and bonded. It was one of the best days we've had in a while. :-)

He's not my best friend but probably my closest guy friend as of the moment. I swear he's all in one! Not the one I necessarily call upon heartbreaks and high moments but he definitely knows almost everything about me. What I love about him is that he's very chismoso so we share a lot of chismax when we're together hahaha!

We're not complete in this picture I think haha. But these are the people who I enjoy spending time with especially on certain occasions. 

This is such an old photo haha! She's one of the closest friends that I have in my life right now. Knows everything about me and although doesn't give the most concrete advices she will always say the words that you want to hear :-)

A very recent picture of me and my best friend :-) She's the one girl friend I can stay up late talking to about the most random stuff or the deepest possible matters. What I love about our talks is that we talk about LIFE not other people's lives and I do believe that we make each other a better person. We're actually roomies now and I see her almost everyday but it seems like we don't run out of stuff to talk about. She's not here at the moment and I kinda miss her haha cheesy! 

My cousins! I don't get to see them as often as before. Achi is on her final term in La Salle and it's a working term so she's extra busy. Nikki started going to college this school year so she's going to get busier by the day. The two little baby girls are the only permanent people I see at home every time I come home for the weekend. And when I do come home they give me super tight hugs and sweet kisses and they tell me stories about everything! 

The people who I grew up with and raised me and is a major factor in who I am as a person today. I do not live with them at this time in my life but I do miss them terribly and I love them no less.

The picture is a bit blurry. It was taken during PBA's last conference- victory party. Like I said my papa and I have too much in common it's scary sometimes. I haven't spent most of my life with him but almost all of the memories are good ones and it's always better to create new memories than to relive old ones :-)

If you ask me who I loved the most in this world at the top of my mind on instinct I would have to say that it's this little bundle of joy. Well he's not so little now and in fact he's grown up and embarrassed to be kissed and touched in public. I miss him terribly and I promise myself that I will see him as soon as I can :-)

PS: The reason why I don't have any commas in this post and I know I created a lot of run-on sentences is because my comma and greater than sign keyboard key is broken! Sorry!

La Fille De Papa

Hey guys :-)
Before fixing my stuff, I just wanted to share with you my papa's reply to me when I sent him the same exact message from my previous blog entry.

"Thank you for a most wonderful message. Yes we are leading almost parallel lives. I just hope you do not experience much of the hurt that I have gone thru. Staying at a condo at 19 years old gives you independence. Mine was a sadder experience. At grade 2 and 7 years old, I lived for a year with the Corpuz's while everyone stayed in Bicol where Lolo Manz was assigned. 5 days in a week, I would cry myself to sleep. No one knew that. It was just one of my experiences that made me grow up too fast. As I got older, I made a lot of mistakes and I paid for all of them. Of course I am happier now. I am truly blessed. I have a job, friends who are like family, food, shelter, good health and YOU. Even though we were separated for a while, I never left. I just continued to live my life. And now I have the one person I love most in my life- YOU. Just try to know what is right and what is wrong. And when you do what is right, God will take care of the rest. Goodnight honey. I'll see you tomorrow. I love you."


Talk about being cheesy! I swear, my papa addresses me like I'm his girlfriend or something haha and I love it to bits! :-) You see, this is what I love about my relationship with him: there's never a fear of being judged and there's never a feeling that I can't talk to him about anything. He's truly one of God's greatest blessings to me <3

Title: "Daddy's girl" in French. Want to get this tattooed somewhere on my body in the near future. Inspired by the tattoo of Maxene Magalona

We're strangers who know each other very well

This describes EXACTLY how I've been feeling for the past couple of days and I wish it would just go away. I miss you so much and I need to be next to you everyday.

And just like that, it was over

The start of the year came as a surprise for me. Most of my close friends know what really happened and why it did but I'm not about to share it here so anyway.. Five months have come and gone. I can't believe how time flies by so fast and I'm not even having fun!

The last time my best friend and I talked, it was not a good talk. It made me uncomfortable and kind of disappointed in my position in life. Sometimes, I found it extra hard to sleep cause thoughts of it would just corrupt my mind. What was good about it though was that it actually got me to thinking... What have I done with my life, really? Am I satisfied with myself at this point in my life?

The answer has been and will always be NO. Truth of the matter is, we are never really satisfied with ourselves. Yes, we get what we want, but somehow we end up wanting more. But I guess personally, there's nothing I can do much with my life. But to be honest, I think I'm somehow in a happy place that I modified for myself.

You see, at the start of the year, I wanted to be able to do something productive for myself. I wanted to look for a part-time job but I never really got around to do that. I've spent so many days hanging out in my room and going to basketball games. Until eventually I had to fix stuff for school and then the chance to travel to Australia came about. This is actually the first summer that I haven't gotten darker. No beaches, no bikinis, no sand in my toes. Some days I regret it because I really love the beach and playing water sports. But most days, I'm just happy that I got a rare opportunity to travel on my own at such a young age.

That trip helped me a lot in terms of my outlook in life. I mean, I have been very blessed and fortunate for all the summers I spent traveling to countries in Asia but I never really got to travel alone. In some ways, I've learned to be independent- the most fulfilling feeling I have ever experienced especially when I had to travel using their public transportation to go the city with just a camera and a map. I'm really geographically disoriented and I don't have any sense of direction at all but somehow, I was able to survive that and for a few days, I was really proud of myself. And the thing I love about traveling is that you get to suck in their culture and you learn to incorporate it into your own lifestyle and I guess in ways, that's just what happened to me.

When I got back to Manila, three months have already passed by. I started to get busy running errands for school and home. And when I wasn't busy, I was rekindling my relationship with my first love (which are novels!) or hanging out with my boyfriend and my friends. In what feels like a blink of an eye, I'm almost halfway through 2011. I'm going to start schooling tomorrow and I cannot tell you how much I can't wait to be busy! It might sound weird to some but I miss the feeling of being stressed hahaha. My corporate attires are pressed and all I have to do next is sleep and wake up. Next thing I know, I'll be in the corporate world of tourism.

But you know, there's so much more to life than just graduating and getting a good job to be able to satisfy and sustain yourself for a living. There's also a nagging feeling of fulfilling dreams that you are most passionate about and for me, that would be writing. So my goal for the next two years is to actually get myself to write more intricate "feature articles" and probably get myself a part-time job in a magazine or something. Or maybe finally submit an audition tape to be a sportscaster. There's just so much stuff to do in this world and it would suck if I let it slip by me.

Must Read: Never compromise your safety for anything

Just as usual, I wasn't able to sleep through the night. I was really tired from yesterday so it's kinda unusual for me not to fall asleep at four in the morning. I don't know if it's the insomnia or if it's the first-hand experience I had from a phone snatcher.

I went to Taft yesterday to claim my ID and just like always, I went home with my papa. We turned on the air conditioner somewhere in Roxas Boulevard and turned it off in Sta. Mesa (the car was overheating) and we had to drive with the windows down. And just like always as well, my papa and I were telling animated stories up until we reached the Araneta Avenue-Quezon Boulevard intersection. Suddenly, my papa leapt from the driver's seat to the passenger's side right in front of me and before my mind could process what was going on, he was cursing some old man. My body was acting before my mind was thinking, gripping my phone so tightly as the mobile snatcher was trying to remove my hands from my iPhone! Luckily, my grip was so tight that he finally let go and run away. More fortunately though, the snatcher didn't have any kind of weapon with him. Just imagine if he stabbed me with a knife! The most irritating thing was when the man was a couple of meters away, he looked back and smirked. I just wanted to punch him in the face if I weren't so stunned.

Anyway, I was completely shocked and speechless after the incident and even as we drove off, I could barely speak. It wasn't that grave of an experience but it was definitely a traumatic one for me. When the image of that man struggling with me to have my mobile crosses my mind, I have goosebumps all over. I have vowed to myself to never ever bring out my phone while I'm out on the streets. I wasn't even walking and commuting. I'm also planning to purchase a stun gun for myself to carry around everywhere.

So to everyone reading this, please take extra care of yourself when you're out and using your gadgets (mobiles, iPods, etc) especially when commuting. In this day and age, we can never really trust anyone. What is sacrificing a few hours without music or text messages when it can spare you your life?

Day 19: A photo in your life that's over, but you wish it wasn't

Being only nineteen years of age, I have only been through so much.

The best part amongst all those years though was of course, being a kid.

I regret wanting to grow up so fast and before I knew it, I'm already out in the world.

I miss the feeling of being sheltered and surrounded by people who I know will only keep me safe; people I can trust and those whom I love and who love me. I guess I should've just taken advantage of being a kid. After all, it's something you'll never ever get back.

Photo taken in Disney World, Orlando, Florida (1997)

Movie Review: Thirteen (2003)

Tracy (Evan Rachel Wood) is a modest, innocent girl who has a good relationship with her mother, Melanie (Holly Hunter). She [Tracy] is a straight A student going through tough times in her life. She cuts herself up to "ease the pain" brought about by a broken family and hatred for her mother's boyfriend, Brady (Jeremy Sisto). 


Tracy meets Evie Zamora (Nikki Reed) in school and here we see how the two are exactly opposites- Tracy in a blouse and Evie with her skin tight clothes and pierced belly. Evie gives off that look that makes the boys swoon and the girls jealous. She shoots Tracy one look and ignores her. The latter being at that point in her adolescent teenage life wherein she has a strong need to fill a gap and feel that sense of belongingness and acceptance, steals a purse full of cash and suddenly, she's in with the popular girls.

Makeup, skanky clothes and numerous body piercings transform Tracy's look from a promising student to a person who goes tumbling down Evie's world- taking in drugs, sex and crime and for what, self-destruction?

Eventually, Tracy becomes the enemy of herself. Even her relationship with her mother goes flushing down the drain. At the end of the film, when Mel finally comes full circle and helps her daughter, we are left with that horrible and somewhat touching feeling that these two girls have seen each other in themselves.

Thirteen is not your typical teen movie. It's a realistic documentary-like film about trying to fit in the walls of high school. I know that not everyone goes through this phase and in fact, most of us fit in smoothly. But also, truth of the matter is, these things are going on- kids rebel and are curious of the dark side. The mostly shows the audience what the world is like in the eyes of a teenager in angst and how there is only ONE way to be and if you're not in that way, you have no means of survival- you have nothing, or you are nothing.

The film is nothing but frank and honest. It's dark, terrifying and horrible and it scared the shit out of me. Nevertheless, it is captivating- keeping me engrossed at all times. It doesn't hurt that an amazing cast delivers the message out into the world.

When I saw this film, I was a little too young to be exposed to this kind of world as I knew nothing about it. But I guess that gave me a positive outcome in life because I said, I would never ever do this to myself. The film had such a big impact on me. A definite must watch. A story you will never forget. 


Thirteen is rated R for drug use, self destructive violence, language, sexual content according to the MPAA
Running time is 95 minutes
I rate it 5 stars out of 5
Click for for list of cast and crew (including trivia, quotes, etc)

Day 18: Photo of last summer

Year 2010 in Boracay. It was the third time I've been to that island and just as usual, it was nothing short of amazing. I loved how the waves were wild at that time of the year... The blue green clear water and the clear skies. There's nothing really bad to say about Boracay. In fact, it's one of our best tourist spots in the Philippines. It's just that when I'm looking for a vacation on the beach, Boracay is not my go-to island. I love the night life and all that but when you think about it, you rarely get to rest so it's just like having a day off from the city stress to actually shift to island stress. 

Get your free condoms!

When you're a kid, it's normal to be curious about your body. There are sensitive parts that mommy and daddy told you not to touch, and to always cover up. When we're kids, we ask why? 


I do believe that it is important for our country to pass the Reproductive Health Bill. It's not because I'm being ignorant of God's natural plans for us and for the future people of this country. But it is important that we get ourselves informed about this issue, and not be against it just because we are trying to be good Christians of faith.

As a young girl of nineteen years of age in this time and day, I am exposed to various stimuli and factors from the modern world. Not everyone was brought up the way I was and I cannot say that I haven't been influenced. It might have been lack of decency in choosing who to surround myself with, but high school days were the toughest. Those were the times that I have been most curious about my body, of this I am not ashamed to tell. And while I was going through this phase, I'm sure most of my friends were, too. It's just that it was never really comfortable to talk about.

When I look back on those years, I just wish there was someone to educate me. I remember having one sex education session in the auditorium back when I was in grade 5 or 6 but that was that. I mean come on, people! You cannot just expect teenagers to watch porn and learn about sex first-hand. Personally, I think the learning should be gradual- increasing sexual knowledge and awareness as the years go by as opposed to ignoring the fact that Mara Clara days are long gone and that we are now living in the 21st century.

Second case in point: I think that the less fortunate Filipino women have to be educated so that they may know that they DO have a choice. They have a choice to be a master of themselves or baby-making machines. We all know that back in the day, women were not allowed to do anything but to serve their husbands, whether it be in the kitchen or in bed. But as the years have gone by, we are also aware that women have already made a name for their gender and that should be respected. Sure, there are still those people who think that men are better than women, but there will always be a never-ending debate regarding who is smarter, better, stronger. Truth of the matter is, men and women are both individuals who have equal rights and therefore should never be pushed into doing something he / she would dislike.

Family planning plays a major issue in this RH bill. We are an archipelago of seven thousand islands and our country is currently housing approximately 91, 983, 000 and is also expecting to increase that number in a few years' time. Can you imagine that? There is absolutely a lot of obvious reasons why there is need to control the population in this country. First of all, there's the issue of poverty. We have so much debt in our hands and we're not even trying to do anything about it. There are people who are already existing and yet they wish they weren't. Families of nine to a dozen don't even have food to eat and these people tell us that we do not need family planning. Are you seriously out of your mind? I think that the government TOGETHER with the church should do everything they can to save the Filipino people from existing problems, not further bury them with these issues. 


The church, insisting that the use of contraceptives is another way of abortion, hasn't gotten their facts right. Definition check: abortion means a deliberate termination of human pregnancy. The use of contraceptives will prevent unwanted pregnancies and therefore, there will not be any form of termination. Am I not correct? 


Do not get me wrong, I am not for the idea of abortion and I don't know if I ever will be but I DO think that one of the main reasons why the RH bill should be approved is so that women may be educated enough to prevent unwanted pregnancies and will therefore lead to fewer, if not zero, cases of abortion. I mean, think about it well and do not make your judgement based on your Christian faith. We are forgetting that while most people in this country may be Christians, there exists a relevant percentage of people who have different beliefs and we should take them into account as well. 


They say that we do not need to approve the RH bill and instead, this issue is solely relied on the responsibility of the people. I get that: people should not have sex if they do not want babies. Easy and simple. But then, we are forgetting that we have already established that the Filipino people are irresponsible human beings! Take for example, the famous concept of the Filipino time. Try to go out and cruise the streets of Edsa and Commonwealth and you'll see how reckless Filipino drivers are. If these people cannot even be taught discipline, you think these same people would be responsible? I know we're thinking the same thing, I don't think so. 


Some would also say that approving the RH bill would be disapproval of life. I cannot forget a quarter-page ad I saw in the newspaper a couple of months ago about the RH bill promoting life. Even if the RH bill takes over the whole newspaper, I do not think it is a promotion of life. Instead of paying for that ad, why did you not use the money to feed the hungry, to clothe the naked, to shelter the homeless? I mean if you guys are all about Christianity anyway, what is the explanation for spending thousands of money for a quarter-page newspaper ad and not on something to help the needy with? I do not see the logic, and I am almost quite sure that neither do you.


I am a firm believer in God, but I am pro-RH bill. Yes, giving away condoms might seem shallow and funny but did you not know that ONLY condoms give us a hundred percent protection from sexually transmitted diseases? 


Being pro-RH bill does not mean allowing and promoting pre-martial intercourse and it certainly doesn't mean that sex is free and could be taken advantage of. All I'm saying is that I would rather educate kids' minds at an early age (they're going to be polluted soon enough anyway!) than see thousands of homeless children and elderly people who have no clothes, no slippers and no food. I would rather that people use condoms for the prevention of STDs- which by the way, could lead to death. I would rather go for family planning than to see specials on the television featuring families of twelve kids eating only a meal a day. I would rather that we be open minded about this matter and think not only for ourselves and for our faith, but for the majority of the people in this country. 

The Bucket List

Everyone has goals and dreams. Some of us want to be a millionaire by the age of thirty, some would want to help save the world, some would want to make a change in their countries. It may also be a short term goal like earning your bachelor's degree. Or really short term like sky diving, bungee jumping and scuba diving. Whatever it is- it's your dream. And the only way to get there is to believe in yourself and work your way towards that dream.

Ever since the movie came out, it became popular to call these dreams as a bucket list. You know, a little checklist for your whole life- things you want to do before you die. I came across this site and she has wonderful projects geared towards making life more livable for people.

This is a photo nicked from her Before I Die project. Do check the site out and see how it did wonders. Candy Chang is an amazing artist and illustrator- it's worth browsing her site for her other projects. Come and see for yourself, you guys! xx

Lowering your standards is the key to happiness

Research has shown that the Filipino people are one of the happiest (if not the happiest) people on earth. Where else would you see people smiling and waving at the television camera while their houses are burned down to ashes, or while they're sitting drenched in rain because the flood waters have reached the level of their roofs? I think this is so because Filipinos always tend to see the good in the bad. It's a shame that things don't come easy in life.

Just a week ago, I was having a one-on-one beer drinking session with my boyfriend. While we were playing with our newly bought "babies", a street child approached us asking for money. She was eleven years old, but she looked a little too young for her age. But although she was short and thin, she had slippers on her feet (which has now become a privilege for street children) and she attended school somewhere in Malate. Going to school in La Salle, I'm used to seeing the less fortunate begging for money, and I wouldn't give a peso on a regular day. What attracted me to this kid was the way she asked for money: "Ate, pahingi naman po ng barya, pleeeeaaaaase!" It was a rarity that kids like her would have been taught to use the word "please" when asking for something. I gave her a five peso coin, on the promise she wouldn't use the money for anything other than food.

These kids have nothing -- they don't have food to eat on a regular basis, some kids don't even have clothing, and some would be seen sleeping on the streets or the LRT staircase. More importantly and most heartbreaking, they don't have a future. But somehow, they manage to smile -- about what, only they would know.

I pray all the time these days -- I say my grace before meals and give thanks before I go to sleep. But tonight, I prayed like I haven't prayed in a long time. It might sound weird to some, but to be honest, it was very fulfilling -- like I've forgotten how it feels. I thanked the Lord for all the material things I love using, the things that make me feel like I'm rich and possess high social status. I thanked Him for the life he has given to me, but most importantly, I thanked him for the people around me. My little brother, who has given me utmost joy since the day he was born. My stepdad, who treated me like I was one of his own. My mom, who (even though we're not on good terms) I'm thankful for because she shaped me to be the person I am today. My best friend, Grai, who I can talk to about anything and everything without the fear of being judged. My boyfriend, Lorenze, who always makes me laugh and who has always been supportive of my every move. And lastly, my papa, who has taken me in with no questions asked, who's given me love and affection, who taught me the importance of trust, who taught me to be independent and responsible and to take matters into my own hands.

All my life, I've wanted a Mac. I have it now and I use it everyday. I wanted an iPhone, I got it. I can say that I'm well-traveled at a young age. But you see, these are the things that make life superficial. These things can only distract, but can never ever fulfill the emotional needs of people. That's why I still truly believe that the best things in life aren't free and that money can't buy happiness. 

Before I started writing down this entry, I had a main point. But as I wrote down everything that came to my mind, I lost track and now I can't remember. I could still go on and on about everything and I might not even get my point across. So I'll just leave you with this:

Happiness depends upon ourselves. 

I've written this quote on my mirror to remind myself every day that my happiness lies in my own hands -- that life is what I make it. That there is no such thing as destiny or fate; rather, there are paths and choices. That life is a never ending road; there's no such thing as dead ends.

Sofia

Corruption kills

For a few days now, Angelo Reyes' successful suicide attempt has glazed the papers. Many have said that it was an act of courage and bravery that killed him, and shooting himself through the chest at his mother's grave was his way of saying mama, I didn't do it. 

This morning, just as I finished reading the paper, I felt the urge to write. One article had said that it was corruption that killed Reyes. As a teen who is ignorant to current events in local and foreign land, I am not one to tell. But I'm not stupid enough to believe that a (former?) government official has done no corruption and has killed himself just because.

In our country, they say, no government official is not corrupt. From the lowest government positions to the highest, everyone takes the public's money and puts it in their own pockets, one way or another. Everyday, there is corruption in the simplest ways: may it be taking P200 for a parking ticket or P500 for beating the red light, only for policemen to fill their tummies with coffee and bread. Also for instance, my first real contact with the Philippine government was when I got my non-professional license a month ago, and that resulted to me having only P20 to commute going home. 

Those simple things might be okay for us people who have money to spare. But what about those who don't? For the more fortunate, we don't even feel corruption if not for the traffic caused by uneven roads or public work that don't even need to be done. The victims here are really the less fortunate. It breaks my heart to see children on the street everyday, begging people for money. How about one or two of those old people who become insane and all things dirty? Taong grasa, in Filipino terms. Why not instead of putting money into our own pockets, create a government piggy bank where everyone is required to chip in at least P5,000 a day? Then we could use the money to resolve poverty, health and education problems. Not too much to ask, I assume. The government has more money than they could handle. My father for instance, pays around P40,000 income tax monthly -- and that's just from one person. Imagine P40,000 from 5 people, that's already P200,000. More than enough to cover a day's worth of health problems. And that's just from 5 people who earn just above average.

In Reyes' case, he corrupted money from the Philippine military. These people have trained to serve the people, to protect us, to kick ass. Imagine, these people are ready to die every time they go out on the field and yet they die from plane crashes because there wasn't enough money for maintenance. How can you say there isn't no corruption when Reyes' wife would travel more than ten times abroad in a month, let alone a year? How can you say it's pocket money when Reyes alone received P50,000,000 from his retirement (if I'm not mistaken)? 

This is exactly the reason why people go to other countries to survive. There is no life in the Philippines. Yes, our country is full of wonderful islands and beaches and the happiest people on earth. In Australia though, you get free health care. The government pays you when you bear a child, maternal leave is a year, paternal leave is a month. Their government works for the people's welfare and wellbeing. They promote life in that way, not through a quarter-page newspaper ad that says No to the RH bill. Who doesn't want a country like that? If only our government worked that way, I wouldn't mind shelling out a lot of money for taxes. 

Going back to the case in point, personally, I think these people who are in the government don't possess heart or soul. That's why Reyes shot himself in the heart -- because he couldn't take to kill his intellect. He opted to shot what he didn't have in the first place. What I read about his honor was all bullshit. Yes, he was a family man -- he loved his family and his mother. But as a government official, your family is your countrymen. You should take them to heart. 

At every moment, we have one foot in a fairy tale, the other one in abyss

January 26 2011

2:52 am

I just finished painting my nails red and watching Fight Club. I almost forgot how much of a good movie this film was. I mean is. I've watched it so many times before and I still am amazed of its story line and screenplay. Plus, I get to see Brad Pitt for the most part of the movie so that's an added million bonus. 

I really hate that I have insomnia and that it's so hard for me to sleep at night even though I'm tired. I'm running out of things to do and it's getting me thinking about a lot of stuff. Tonight, it's just life in general. I mean, what if the world works like a Polly Pocket? God / Buddha / Allah is the player and we're the dolls. Or maybe in the modern world, we're just a game of Sims. It started out as a basic thing -- just living. And then there came the next editions. Pets and parties became a part of our world. Then the new craze came out, Sims 3. What if the higher power was the one getting his laptop crazy and messed up because his / her installer didn't work right? And he / she breathed a sigh of relief once it finally worked? 

It's crazy to think about really, that life is just a game that we all play. When we were born, the happiest time of our day was eating time, or maybe when the sun starts to set and our parents pushed us on the streets in our strollers. And how happy we were when we finally learned to color inside the lines. When the hardest thing to learn was multiplication and division. Then we grow up to be the person we've become and choose the things we'd like to do for the rest of our life. Then we get married and have kids and the cycle repeats itself. It's funny how we endure pain and heartbreak, and it's fascinating to think about how complicated the human body really is. When I wanted to become a doctor and started studying for it, a certain thought always crossed my mind: why am I doing this? For what? For whom? We all die eventually, we all turn into dust -- it's just the circle of life. So either we live like a bum, we don't have money, do the wrong thing or the right thing -- our fate is final. Why do I have to push myself hard to become a doctor, enduring sleepless nights and caffeine intoxication when I could just be a sales lady or a cashier at the local grocery store? Why do we try so hard to leave a mark in this world, live a glorious life and get all the things that we want? What is it all for? In the beginning, we were nothing. In the end, we return to nothing. Why the hell is life worth living?

I ask myself these questions and think that the human mind can do crazy things to you. It's everything you have. It's either you're dumb or you're smart. It's the culprit of every mistake that you do and the mastermind in all the great that you do. Thinking is such a complicated thing and life is an intricate event or place or person or thing, whatever you like to call it. Whatever you do, whether you're ignorant, dense, moronic, savvy, clever, sharp-witted -- you can never, ever understand it.

Point is, there is no point. I could go on and on with these questions.. it just never stops. I go to sleep and I wake up and do the same thing every day but I never know what's gonna happen. I live life. But then, what the hell is living? 

Oh, and you should watch Fight Club if you've never watched it. It's astonishing, awesome, remarkable, incredible, extraordinary, and all other words you find in your thesaurus with the word amazing.

RealEyesRealizeRealLies

It saddens me how friendship nowadays are based on quantity rather than quality. If there's one thing that college has taught me, it's that you only live for you. You don't live for impressing your so-called friends. Such a question is always asked, Would you rather have lots of acquaintances or just a handful of best friends?

I feel happiness and contentment in finding friendship in people who don't judge me for who I really am, for the things I like to do, the decisions I've made or the mistakes that I've committed. Because quite frankly, everybody lies and everybody cheats. Making bad choices and taking the wrong road at some point in your life just makes you appreciate turning the other way or making a complete U-turn when you lose your way. You're probably going to hit a dead end anyway; and once you reach rock bottom, there's no where to go but up.

It feels so much better to be able to tell your side of the story without questions of judgement and without seeking for approval. It's your life, it's your business. They're supposed to be there for support and they're supposed to be able to allow you to make mistakes. Because after all, your true friends are those that will stick around with you, maybe curse you here and there, but they will be by your side when everything goes haywire.

Point is, I don't really care about how large my circle of friends is. Why should I, when I have just a number of people who I can trust my life with? If people want to get drunk and high with their friends, then why the fuck should I care? I know they won't be there when you're fucking sober anyway.

Knowledge is power and power is corrupt, so study hard and stay evil

We need only to open our minds to hear our own wisdom. - Buddha

It's crazy how time flies by so fast, it just knocks you over when you least expect it -- and I'm not even doing anything. I should be having the time of my life really. Sounds cliche but it's so true when they say you'll never know what you have until it's gone. Honestly, taking a break from college is no joke. I've made my way through three years but I took everything for granted. I cut my classes, and I didn't do my very best to get the highest of grades I knew I was capable of achieving. I just marched into my classrooms, some of them I even had to drag myself to sit into for an hour and a half. Imagine, just an hour and a half devoted to learning something new everyday and I had to drag myself into it. I should've looked at it as some sort of blessing, but I didn't and that was clearly a mistake. When I get back to school, taking the course that I really want to take, I guarantee that I will be better than I ever was. It's just such a bummer that I happen to do this only now but it's never too late when you're talking about your future and the thing you really want to be doing for the rest of your life.

Imagination is the best way you can say 'fuck you' to reality

Everyone goes through a phase in their lives where they just wanna let loose and let go. It's usually during teenage years, where every kid wants to be badass. It starts at thirteen, just after entering high school, when you start to blast ultra-mega-super rock music in your stereo (well it was still stereo for me, but nowadays, maybe just earphones) and lock yourself up in your room to shut the world out. Kids start being embarrassed to be seen around malls holding hands with their moms and dads, and pushing their younger siblings around just because they have the upper hand. Then you become fourteen and the opposite sex suddenly becomes more attractive. You give your whole self up for the childhood sweetheart that you swear you'd spend the rest of your life with. You daydream in class, doodle your crush's name at the back of your notebook and practice your signature with their last name. Then he breaks your heart and you cut your wrists up, embedding his name in scars and wounds. You think it's all worth it. Then you become fifteen and you just wanna start going out. Going to clubs and bars and parties and being either passed out drunk or puking is the in thing. You rebel against curfews because you wanna be having night outs with your friends. Then you become a senior, and your school forces you to choose the course you'd take up in college which will make or break your future.

Then you grow up. Or actually, you're forced to grow up. You get into college and meet all sorts of people and try to find your sweet spot and fit right in. It's actually quite easy though cause no one really cares if you walk through the hallways alone, stressed and sweating trying not to be late for your next class which is all the way to the other side of the campus. Personally, I hate first days the most. Especially if you have a professor that makes you stand in front of the class to introduce yourself. You don't know what to say, because really, you don't know who you are -- or what defines you for that matter.

They say that high school is the one thing in your life that you're never going to forget. Maybe it's because it's where you actually leave your mark in the eyes of people you've known for years. But I say it's because it's the only phase in your life when you can do the most stupid things and have people talk about you for a while, but you feel like you don't really care. In the end, high school gives you and your friends nothing more but something to laugh about in the future.

When I was in high school, I was known for being the girl who slept around a lot, who got herself pregnant and had her baby aborted. It surprises me that these things surrounded me because really, none of them were true. I had three boyfriends in high school: one I never got to kiss, the other who was my "first love", and the last is my boyfriend until now. I had a steady love life back then, and I never got myself pregnant, let alone have an abortion. Also, I was known for the bitch you never dared to cross. They say I've got a strong personality and composure that intimidates people who meet me for the first time. Well, I'm not going to say that I'm soft-spoken and really friendly but like my friend said, it's amazing how common knowledge could be so wrong.

I never got to go out on clubs and bars during my younger years because I had very strict parents. I was born into a family with rules that makes you scream for rebellion. Because of that, I'm forced to say that I never really had a good time growing up. True, I experienced things that not everyone has. I've traveled to New York, Florida, California, Malaysia, Singapore and Hong Kong. I've even had the chance to see the wonderful islands of Boracay, Palawan, Cebu, Bicol and Davao. I've been more than privileged and for that, I'm thankful. But sometimes, I just can't help but feel like I've missed out on a lot. I'm on to the last year of my teenage life, but I haven't done anything crazy-ass wild that will be worth sharing to my future kids and grandkids. 

Sometimes, I need to find the lust in my life. The adrenaline rush of knowing that life is not forever and that I'm not committed to anything. Point is, I'm turing twenty. Twenty sounds old and mature for teens like me. I still haven't made enough crazy mistakes in my life. I don't want to be forced to grow up just yet. I'm just not ready. :-)

Nothing catches human interest like human tragedy

I've read about Jordan Rice, a thirteen year old Australian boy who saved his brother from a flood, in one too many websites. Jordan and his mom were swept away by the floods because Jordan requested his rescuer to save his brother, Blake, first. In an interview, Jordan's dad told the Toowoomba Chronicle that Jordan couldn't swim and in fact, he was terrified of water.

It was such a brave thing to do -- a little boy who just entered his teens putting his brother's life before his. I couldn't imagine what that must be like; having to give up your whole self for someone who means the world to you. Imagine, he has his whole life ahead of him, waiting for him to live everyday as if it were his last. Life waiting to unfold before his very eyes. But he couldn't do that anymore, because he wanted his brother to live.

When I think about it, it's not that hard, really. Everyday, we put ourselves out there, battling our way through life and whatever it throws at us. Those of us with lovers give their partners their whole self without second thought. What is it to give up your everything for someone who means so much more than the world to us? If we live, and that special person dies, would your life be worth living? I for one, would rather die knowing that my loved one is going to be safe and sound.

If it would have happened to me, I wouldn't have a second thought about giving my life up for my brother. Even though we only see each other every weekend as I now live with my papa, I love him no less. He's the primary reason why I come home to the south to visit. I cannot even begin to tell you how much joy he brings me or how much love I have for him. He's already eight years old and embarrassed to be kissed in public. I can't even begin to imagine what it must be like when he enters his teenage years. I'm too scared to even think about it... He grew up too quickly. I'd give up anything and everything for him -- even if my life depended on it. I guess that's how you know if you really love the person -- you start caring about them more and caring about yourself less. Being selfless isn't so bad when you know that it's worth it :-)

Keeping the Faith

I've already watched The Book of Eli before, but I watched it again tonight with my dad. Like any other in-depth movies, it got me to thinking again.

Like most Filipinos, I was raised to be a Catholic. My mom and my papa are both Catholic and naturally, I was too. I went to a Catholic school, went to church on Sundays and took the Holy Communion. I've gone to recollections and retreats and I usually come home a lot better than before, thinking it was about time I'd change my ways. But of course, like any other teenager, I couldn't keep my word. I wanted to explore... To do things I've never done before. Like all bad actions, there were consequences and I continue to face them everyday.

I'd like to think I'm not like most Filipinos though. I do not take everything as they are and I've learned to question everything, even my God. When I was in first year high school, I had this friend whose religion is Born Again Christian and she talked to me about everything there is to know about their faith. Then when I was in third year high school, the same thing happened. I've come to notice that the Born Again Christians have better grasp on their faith than Catholics. The reason I think it is so, is because we Catholics are more into rituals; going to Church every Sunday, every first Friday of the month, every Sacred holiday. And what do we do? The same thing over and over and over, year in year out. It's repetitive and it's human nature to get used to it. It becomes more of a routine. Personally, I've noticed: whenever we recite our prayer before meals, we bless our food. But do we really understand and solemnize the prayer that we say? Or we just say it out of habit? I think it becomes more of a memorized poem rather than a form of communication with God. It's the same thing with all our memorized prayers, and I think that's why these prayers have lost their meaning to us.

That's exactly what I want to do: find meaning in my faith. I'm not saying I've lost mine, but I think it's only right to question so that I can find out what I truly want to believe in. I'd be lying if I said I had no doubts. I want to study all sorts of religions and beliefs; I even want to study Buddhism because I think it's the best way of life.

Since I lived in Quezon City, I've been exposed to Christianity more. I got a chance to attend service in Victory and I very much liked it. What I'm really trying to say here is that I want to have a firm grasp in my faith, hold it a little tighter, embrace it, believe in it, live it. I am a firm believer that there is heaven and hell. Heaven is not up in the sky and it's not about being able to hop in the clouds. It's about finding a place where you'll be most happy and contented, living life without question and doubt, surrounded by people you love and people who love you. But hell, hell is everywhere. It's in dark alleys where there are bad people waiting for opportunities to jump on you and scare the shit out of you, robbing you of your life and happiness. It's in casinos filled with greed, feasts that make you gluttonous, bars and prostitutes making you lustful, beds and couches that make you lazy, and the list goes on... I think our main purpose in life is to avoid those places and just find that one place that we could call our heaven :-)